Memory
by our entwined souls
Summary: Sirius had something he desperately needed to say to his Moony. Something that he did not get the chance to say before his life ended, and he was forced to leave Remus. And one thing that Sirius wanted from his Remus: "Can I be your memory?"


Can I be your memory?

I know I don't deserve a place of remembrance in your mind, and that you've suffered enough without having the conscious awareness of me niggling around in your thoughts, but, I just want you to have the good parts in there.

You know, those times when we laughed so hard that our eyes streamed with tears of mirth, and you get that weird taste at the back of your throat which isn't all to bad, and you feel like you're smiling and leaping about inside of yourself.

I could see it in your eyes.

Could you please remember those times when we sat close together in class, passing notes under the table and trying to stifle our laughter under the calculating gazes of teachers? I'd always be the one to start; I'd write something stupid and you'd always be waiting and ready with a quick and witty remark that was brilliant, and it was always between us. Writing notes in class with the others was never the same as it was with just me and you. It was different, it always was. Special, in a way.

Could you please remember those moments when you woke up after a full moon, and I'd be there, making sure that I was the first thing you saw when your eyes opened. And when they did, you just smiled a little, and we would look at each other, not speaking, not moving, only breathing, and strands of your hair would fall into your eyes but I didn't dare brush them away, in case our moment was broken, or in case I couldn't stop touching you. I never told you how terrified I was of you not ever waking up, and you never told me how terrified you were of me not being there when you did. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry I broke that promise once. And then over and over again for thirteen years after that.

Could you please remember the days we spent together as we grew up from boys into men, how we watched the world go by in a haze of causing trouble and mischief-making? How we complained about homework and teachers and girls, and how we never realised how lucky we were to have each other, how incredibly fortunate we were to be able to take on the world together. All those pranks and jokes that were exhilarating and hilarious, and ignorant. Remember those years we spent not knowing what the future would hold, not knowing that forever couldn't be long enough, not knowing that we could easily have been torn apart like a piece of old parchment. The same kind of parchment that was musty, and sweet-smelling, and soft, and reminded me of you. I used to picture you during the summer holidays whenever I read your 'borrowed' _Hogwarts: A History_. It's still in my bedside cabinet, if you're wondering where it got to. I was actually distraught when I had to leave it behind. I read a bit every night before I went to sleep, and even wrote in the back page a little memento on the newly added Whomping Willow, and its _true _uses. You'd have laughed at that bit.

Could you please remember that night when we got so drunk and I made the best mistake of my life? You probably didn't drink as much as the rest of us. You didn't vomit, at least. I had woken up to find myself having wrapped you in my arms, and tasting your hair. You must have heard my thoughts, or something, because I was sure woken up quite quickly when I landed on my backside after you murmured "Good mornin', gorgeous." At first, I had thought it was _me _who had said it,because I was definitely thinking it. That, and how warm your back was. You chuckled, you absolutely laughed at the sight of me in pain on the floor beside _your_ bed, and then _kissed me_, you bastard, after scaring the shit out of me! I must say, I hope you remember what my alcohol-induced morning breath tasted like, because I can sure as hell remember that yours was really nice. Sorry if I was a rubbish first snog compared to you. I wasn't prepared, I was hungover, and I was too busy enjoying how wonderful your kissing was.

Could you please remember those short years when we were together, when we woke up soaking up the heat of each other's bodies because the heating was always shit in our flat, those months when I kissed you as much as I could, those days when I did everything I possibly could to make you laugh, those hours we spent doing nothing but be together, those minutes when we watched dawn break, or the stars glimmer, or the moon shine, or the sun glow as it set? And could you please remember what I said to you when I made you dance to rubbish songs on the wizard wireless, when you rustled up something delicious as I burnt everything, when we lay close together, me listening to your heartbeat and you running your fingers through my damp hair?

Could you please forget everything I ever said about doubting you? I know you, love, and I know that you'll still find some way to blame yourself for all my mistakes, but please… Don't.

I'm sorry for betraying you. You know I'd do anything to myself to change that part of me that lashed out on you, especially on times when you didn't need it. Of course, you were the last person in the world who deserved it in the first place.

Please forget the times when I closed up on you. I know that hurt you, and I hate myself for it. I'm sorry I killed some of you when I was like that. You know that, truly, it was my entire fault. I'm sorry for ruining everything.

I'm sorry for letting our best friends get killed.

I'm sorry for not trusting you when I should have.

And I'm sorry for not telling you when you poured out everything you had in front of me.

Please forget when I messed up.

Please forget that I forgot that you already knew what it was like to be grown up. Please forget my naïve outbursts of defending you when you tried to broach the topic of werewolf prejudice. Please forget that I sometimes didn't listen.

I'm also sorry for not spending more time with you. I wish I had been there more, instead of trying to prove myself with experimentation and walking around with a new girl hanging off my arm every other month. I'm sorry I failed to notice how pale and jaw-clenching you became, or how closed-in and quiet you were when we talked about females in general.

If you have no choice but can only remember it all, my love, please do this; forget that I forgot to tell you how sorry I am for never saying sorry.

For leaving you.

For holding you and not letting go.

I'm not doing this to spite you, or hit you with one final sufferance. I'm doing this for you. I'm giving you a reason to live the rest of your life as best as you could. When I do this, you will not have lost a love, you already have love, and you will gain more of it when I am not there to remind you that you aren't cemented for life to someone who can still hurt you.

Oh love, don't you _ever_ doubt if I had loved you at all. I will always love you. I am never letting you go. I'm here. I'm here beside you, within you, around you. I am guiding you. I am holding you as you cry. I am smiling with you when you laugh. I am in your dreams, and I promise that if you reach out, I will take your hand and hold on. And I am never letting go.

I promise you you're not doing this alone. I am here every step of the way. You can't see me, you can't touch me, but I can see you and touch you. When you face the world without me, I will shield you with my arms and protect you with my invisible kisses. I love you. I have always loved you, and I could never ever stop.

I'm letting you let go of me. It's the least I could do for you giving me a reason to live. You loved me. Thank you.

I'm gone, but I'm still here.

That's why I have to die.

And don't you ever _ever_ forget… I'll always…

Love you.


End file.
